Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Crawlies of DOOM!

I'm pretty sure every person reading this agrees with me instantly. I find it bizzare (yes bizzare not funny, i don't care if it's the wrong theme for the blog, shuttit it's my blog) that Roaches seem to have a special awareness to my very existence. It's an evolution of the hive mind, as if millions of roaches of all species in the whole wide world are plotting against me. Why? I'll tell you god damn why.

Because somehow roaches have a tendency to find me wherever I am on earth. Even in their perspective as small insignificant... well insects... they should see the whole earth as how we see the whole universe. But noooooooo their Anas+Shafiq-Radar is ever so vigilant, seeking our trembling (shafiq) and gagging (moi) bodies with ease. 

1. The worst they'd catch you is when you are at your most vulnerable. Ok fine I'll speak as a first person narrative. It's when I was at MY most vulnerable possition. I was happily showering in the morning, buff nekkid when a roach crawled out of the drainage and scattered near my feet. Using my mighty weapon-cum-gayungmandi I splashed water to get him away from my feet and into the drainage. Horraahh I win! Not taking any chances, I closed the drainage.

1.b. Yes so many days later I thought I've rid of the bastard but another time I bathed I saw his bloody antennae peering through the holes of the drainage hatch thingie, saying "heloooo incek Anas. Awak di situ ke?" Splish splash and back he goes down the drain. Victory number 2!

1.c. Revenge of the Roach... Weeks later I've felt comfortable again so I let the drainage hatch open, just for the heck of it. As I mentioned before, they always... ALWAYS catch you in your most vulnerable position. I's nekkid, in the shower with nowhere to run, shampooing my hair, a little bit of shampoo caught in my eye causing it to burn (yeah well I don't use no-more-tears but neither do you right?), and right at the bloody moment did I feel something crawling up my leg. 

WARGHHH!!! Shook my leg as if I wanted to rip it off myself. Flailed my arms desperately looking for the gayung, splash some water on my teary eyes and there was the dood, scuttling happily near my feet. GARRRHH!!! I flushed down the drain and swore to never again open the pit of evil. 

wait there's more...

2. I was asleep. Tired as hell of a day's work. Suddenly I felt that which seemed to me then as if a mosquito or a small moth-like insect landed on my face and crawled to my mouth. I grabbed it by the legs and threw it away. Or was that really legs? Felt more like long devil antennae. In the darkness I opened my eyes and god bless my slightly nocturnal vision I saw a big six legged insect scuttle away under the door and off into its insectoid lair. ON MY BLOODY MOUTH MAN YUCK!

3. Lastly if they couldn't find you in time and had to finally leave this plain of existence, they'd make sure to die right in the hallway of your house. (Worst if in public restaurants where you often eat giving you imaginations where the little bugger has been romping about). They'd just lie there on their back. Why on their backs? Because they want you to see them with those disgusting sectioned abdomens and with legs high up in the sky in their last bid to wave 'Hi Anas. Just in case you forgot about me, I'm still disgusting and creepy even after death. Cheers!". 

You'd think any self-respecting MAN should never cower away from roaches. Pfffffttt it's not fear that gets me but utter disgust of their existence. I also know plenty of Shafiqs err i mean guys who are scared of them. I've never been afraid (or digusted, whichever you believe) of Roaches before. Heck I squished plenty of them when I was a kid. Slippers, the morning paper, even books if I had to. Any self-respecting kid would understand why of course since these little buggers are gross and back then it was fun to see all the squishy white bits squeeze through the abdomens like maggots out of an apple. Twas fun.

Naw they didn't bother me back then. Until... (cue cheesy dum dum dum music) 

3. I was with my sisters near Pudu. It was when we wanted to send my sister's then boyfriend to the station and before the demon seed vehicle moved (a bus really but I'll elaborate why i think busses are the demon's offsprings some other day) we thought of going to the nearby mamak for late supper. And that ladies and gentlemen was the single most biggestest mistake I've ever made in my entire life. 

As we ate, suddenly 7 - 8 roaches were flying about from the distance, closer and closer to our position. I thought of them as kelkatu at first but no those digusting big round bodies (I'm feeling nauseous already) and those evil brown wings were a pure indication. They came closer, seemed like they were having a flying orgy of some sort. So yeah it was a bloody disgusting sight but no the evil Roach-God-of-Death-and-Destruction didn't think that was enough. Noooo. The roaches attacked nearby patrons, running around shoulders, into girls hair (yesss IN THEIR HAIRS) and running on the tables.  A few were running around on tables and one ran over my sister's nasi goreng and one on my own dish. Still having food in my mouth and munching, the effect of seeing a roach running on my food, then later being squashed by the mamak who simply swept it under a refrigerator with his feet left me nauseous... FOREVER!

You see every single time I see a bloody roach, small big or even lifeless, I have the whole memory of that incident play in the back of my mind and it's as if I can taste the disgusting juices of the roache's white blood at the back of my throat as I slowly chewed and swallowed my contaminated food. 


I find it funny that roaches have a personal vendetta against me

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